Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.