ew if literal: let me be clear
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the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages