ew if literal: let me be clear
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EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels