ew if literal: let me be clear
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If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.