ew if literal: let me be clear
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My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
no!! no!!!!!!
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Hamburger Hinderer.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.