Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
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Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Day 2 of my diet
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
#damn
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them