Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
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Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Ok but actually
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
According to math, I’m broke
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.