“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
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Show me a better name for a sugar company.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
