“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
You Might Also Like
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!