“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
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a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.