“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
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Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Single and childfree like Jesus
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”