“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
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did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
At least my masseuse has my back.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?