Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
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[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[loses house key, starts a new life]