Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
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I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Science is fun!
#nottrue
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I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
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INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.