Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
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Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs