Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
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My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there