Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Last-minute gift idea!

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day