“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
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Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird