Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

Someone just gave me half a peace sign.

weird

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

when she block me on everything

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator