“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
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Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.