Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.

He took my last fry, your honor

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.