Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.