Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
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Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line