Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
What a chick magnet..
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Friday
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*