Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
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I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
notice
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.