Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?