Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…