ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
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[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
oppen heimer style lol
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.