Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

🫶

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now