Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

selfie game

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.