Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn