Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
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Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.