Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

I march to the beat of my own dumb

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room