[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
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DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
this is literally a CIA plant
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.