ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
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this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”