ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
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I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.