ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
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I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
u spoke cat all this time??????
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Gross if literal…Liverpool