Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

I have so many questions.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

🤣😂🤣

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

Life is short. Stop to smell the roses. Take a walk in the rain. Be nice to a stranger. Hold up a convenience store.

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.