Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

biblically accurate fire hydrant

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

Not all heroes wear capes….

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.