*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
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Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
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Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.