*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Friend: OMG, someone wrote “Wash Me B*tch!” on your car!
Me: Oh, I wrote that as a reminder to myself.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.