Ex picked up the kids, brought me coffee & took out my trash.

This divorce thing is really working out for me.

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“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules


If the bride tosses you the bouquet, how long are you allowed to beat her with it?


My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida.

I call it “No air conditioning”.


Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”


A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house


“Which would you like, a piano or a motorcycle?” “Yes.” (Yamaha)


I’m gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.


That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.