Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
You Might Also Like
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU