@callie_cakes

Ex picked up the kids, brought me coffee & took out my trash.

This divorce thing is really working out for me.

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@Coolisiana

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

@wickedsuga

If the bride tosses you the bouquet, how long are you allowed to beat her with it?

@Coastiefish

My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida.

I call it “No air conditioning”.

@daemonic3

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

@SortaBad

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

@thesulk

“Which would you like, a piano or a motorcycle?” “Yes.” (Yamaha)

@_eric_alexander

I’m gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.

@JustMeTurtle

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.