Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

no one ever comes back

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

Lol

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

☠️ ☠️

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

The First Farmer

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

🙏🏾

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.