Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

you know what ruined my childhood? children

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*