Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.