Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

same energy

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

Forever 21… pounds overweight

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!