Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

Door frame: *exists

My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.