Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice