Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please