Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

*jingles half the way*

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

any last words?

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

Looking at you, Jesus.

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight