Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
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I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.