Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
You Might Also Like
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.