21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
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Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?