Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
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Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
The Backseat Boys
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Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born