Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
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Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Super Hand Dog Face
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
