Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
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Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.