Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
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I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!