Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
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Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.