exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
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Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?