exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
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ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I love it
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.