Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
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When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Erm I’m gonna say no
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill