Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
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Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.