Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
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Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.