Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
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You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.