exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
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Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
accurate
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .