Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
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Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
These 3D printers are insane!
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
still the best tweet of the year by far
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.