[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
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My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
