Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

*performs CPR on the turkey*

why I oughta

The three genders

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.