[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
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CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people