Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
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Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
good for her
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?